less than a week away from Christmas...

The holidays are so strange now, since I'm soooo far away from my family. AND snow has been replaced by sand, which is even more odd - but wonderful, just the same. :) This week, it's been in the upper 70's most days...which really feels weird. It just doesn't feel 'right' to hear Christmas music on the radio, and have the a/c on in your car. Ha!

I'm really ready for 2010. I usually skip over the whole 'new year' thing, and just continue on with life. This time though, I feel like something is on the horizon...something is about to change. Which reminds me, for the millionth time over the last several weeks, of these words: "Be the change you want to see in the world." Man. It's tough to get any deeper - or more true - than that. So these are the words that I've been focusing on lately, and will continue to focus on as we approach this new year. I would love to see people being kind, just in general. Sometimes, it just simple manners that would make all the difference.

On a completely different tangent, I've been remembering my dreams more often lately! I rarely remember my dreams. And I've been dreaming about random people, which is really odd. Just out of the blue, a person I know in passing, or haven't seen in a while, will make an appearance. I don't know what to think about that...

This blog has turned into a stream of conscienceness ...which is actually a great idea! It's supposed to be a great writing technique. Maybe it will get my creative juices flowing!! I've been wanting to write a Christmas song...

I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas, and Happy Holiday Season!
Peace and Love.

Catching up...

I had every intention to keep my blog updated again, but life once again got in the way. About 6 weeks ago, I had to put my Codybear down. It was the hardest thing ever, but I couldn't let him suffer. He had 13 wonderful years, and was thee best dog. I miss him every day. My mom was down here for the last 10 days, which was nice and helpful. I've been really sad about Cody, and it was good to focus my attention on something else. I'm still very sad, and will be for awhile. It's amazing how different it is without him. He has been a constant in my life for so many years, and now is just gone.

I'm going home in a week, and I think that will help with the healing process as well. It will be wonderful to hug the kiddos and spend lots of time playing and laughing with them! I can't wait!! I wish I could've made it up sooner, so I could enjoy the fall colors.

The song writing is on pause right now, as a result of not being able to shake the 'sad' away. I used to write some of my best stuff when I was overcome with emotion - but it doesn't seem to be inspiring anything good this time. I'm hoping after my visit home, I'll be able to finish up the songs I've started. I was asked to play a show down here, however it's while I will be up in Michigan so that won't work this time. I think I'm a bit too rusty to play a show right now anyway, but it does give me something to work towards. I need to have a goal to get me motivated!

Anyway, here are some of my favorite pictures of Cody. RIP.

Looooong time, no see!

It's been several months since I posted anything. A lot has happened, and I don't even know where to begin! There have been some really difficult times, and some really wonderful times. Of the wonderful times was my visit home in August, which included: spending 5 straight days of 24 hours with the kids, Brittany's wedding, meeting my new niece Violet, seeing friends and family.

When I got back to Florida, I felt like I had started a new chapter. It was very odd. Almost like something snapped, and I felt normal again. Which is very odd, since I didn't fully realize that I hadn't been 'normal' since before I'd moved. My mom had told me, but I brushed her assessment aside. So, super good news, I'm back! :)

My birthday was this week. I celebrated my 35th with new friends and old friends. I'm thankful for all the cards from home. It's always difficult to be away on birthdays and holidays.

Last night, Bernadette and I went to see Cirque Du Soleil: La Nouba at Downtown Disney. It's such a wonderful show! We were 2nd row from the stage, which proved awesome and also neck-straining during the high trapeze act.

I've started some new songs, which are coming together nicely as far as words go. The tunes and music portion are still not even close! BUT, it's a great start after being blocked for over a year.

As Walt Disney said, "keep moving forward". And that's what I intend to do.

Ok. Sorry to ask, but...

I entered a contest, which I never do because they're usually such a pain. This one is really no exception, BUT I did it anyway. There is no real way to 'vote for me', however you can post "grab it" (it being the widget) and post it to your various social networking sites...which supposedly helps me to win. :) But, also it's the overall song that is being judged, or so the contest rules said.

SO. If you're so included, click to listen, or grab the widget and put it somewhere...

Thanks, and I promise not to do one of these again.

CLICK HERE AND THEN GRAB THIS!

OR, you can click the 'grab this' button on the gigantic cassette player along the left side of my MySpace page by clicking below...after listening to the song of course. :)

CLICK HERE FOR MY MYSPACE PAGE

Stand Up For Kids

Did you know that there are 1.3 to 1.6 Million homeless teens/kids on the streets of America in an average year? Every year, assault, illness, and suicide claim the lives of approximately 5,000 runaway and homeless youth. One in every seven youth will run away from home by the age of 18.

I've been doing quite a bit of self analyzing lately. So much has happened over the last several years, leading me to where I am now. And to where I'm not. The last few months have been pretty tough, but while I've definitely weathered a fair number of difficulties in my life, I know that I am very blessed.

A couple of months ago I started feeling weighed down with something that I couldn't explain. After soul searching and a lot of prayer, I've realized that I have been called. I understand that this is a foreign and strange concept for many people - and believe me, it was to me as well. I was so confused, still not 100% clear (but close), and just didn't know what was going on...or why I was feeling the way I was.

Without getting too deeply into it, especially since it's really tough for me to even put this whole experience in to words, I'll just give you the end of the story...

I'm going to be volunteering for a non-profit organization called Stand Up For Kids. I will be the Director of Outreach here in the Tampa area. You can read about it, if you'd like, at the link below. I am really excited to make a difference. I've been missing coaching so much over the last couple years, it will be good to work with kids again. And I really feel like this is one of the reasons - if not THEE reason - I was so compelled to move down here.

So...check it out...and pray for these kids who so desperately need someone. And if you maybe have an hour to spare each week, look for one in your area.
Click here to read about STAND UP FOR KIDS

Happy Mother's Day to my mom

My Quiet Tribute

Ok, so here are the lyrics I was talking about in my last blog. They're still a work in progress, but mostly finished. My Gramma will be the first to hear it. :)

My Quiet Tribute

A quiet pride.
A quiet love.
A sparkle in his eye,
that in one moment
will reach your heart.

He quietly endured.
He quietly prayed.
His final breath,
just a wall away
from his first.

This is my quiet tribute to my Grandpa.
I didn't get to tell him before,
so I wannna make sure he hears me now.
He was loved and totally adored.
This is my quiet tribute to my Grandpa.

People drove the distance.
People stood in line,
to pay their respect
to a man who gave
and lost so much.

His silent strength was known for miles.
He was an icon, in our community.
With his hands, those famous hands,
he grew hope and security.

This is my quiet tribute to my Grandpa.
I didn't get to tell him before,
so I wannna make sure he hears me now.
He was loved and totally adored.
This is my quiet tribute to my Grandpa.

I will miss you.

In Memory of my Grandpa

Kenneth Laug
Thursday, July 21, 1927 - Saturday, March 28, 2009

I've been wanting to write this blog for a few weeks now, but haven't been able to pull it together enough to get anything out. I thought I was ready today but as soon as I typed out those dates, my tears started flowing again. So, I guess I'll just work through the tears.

I still have a hard time believing that I'm not going to see him anymore on my visits home to Michigan. It's barely been a month since the doctors first discovered several large brain tumors. Almost a week after we found out about the tumors, they gave him about 2 weeks more to live, and he toughed it out for a few days short of that.

On the night of March 26, I had a dream about him. It wasn't anything detailed, and there were no words. I just kept seeing his face over and over again, and his hands. He looked like he was patiently waiting. So when I woke up, I called my family to tell them I was going to fly home the next day. I wanted to make sure I was able to see him one more time.

He passed away at 3am on the morning of March 28th. There were several of us who woke up at 3am. I believe he was saying good bye. I was just a few hours too late to say good bye in person. I've come to grips with the fact that it's going to take me awhile to get over having missed the last part of his life.

My Grandpa was such a strong man. If you didn't really know him, you'd find him rather intimidating. But he had a sparkle in his eye, even if he wasn't smiling - though usually when I saw him he had a smirk on his face. He called me "annie" from the time I was very little, and used to grab my ponytail in one hand and hold his jack knife in the other - threatening to cut it off. As a kid, I remember him taking my hand (or arm) into his huge hands and jokingly shake it and not let go. At church, as a teenager I'd make sure to give him a hug during the sign of peace because he seemed to get a kick out of it.

He put blood, sweat, and tears into his family farm, and looking through all the old pictures you know he also put his laughter and love. My dad tells me that Grandpa "picked out" my Grandma, and being an outsider of "The Ridge" it may have been a challenge. He made a good choice, she is an amazing and inspiring woman. They celebrated almost 60 years of marriage, had 8 children (4 boys and 4 girls), and 16 grandchildren (we were all born in same-sex pairs: 2 girls, 2 boys, etc.)!

My brother spent some wonderful quality time with him over the last several years, working out at the wood piles. They got to know each other, and really appreciate one another. My grandpa was very proud of my brother; they hold a special place in eachother's heart. My grandpa split wood for my dad up until the week he was diagnosed.

He set a strong example for hard work, loyalty, dedication, and appreciation. After he found out about the tumors, he took his tractor for a slow drive around his acres. The Sunday right before he passed away was the first Sunday he had missed church. He was born in the same house where he took his last breath, just a room away. He will always be remembered and loved by every person his life has touched.

Typically my emotional outlet is writing songs. I did start lyrics about my Grandpa, and hope to finish them within a few months time. I have so many more words to say, and just can't seem to get them all out yet.

Family Fun at Disney World!

Scott, Margo, Olivia, and Ethan all came down for the kids first visit to Walt Disney World - and to see me, of course. ;) It was SO MUCH FUN!!! I picked them up from the airport, and was able to spend a few days with them at the resort, Magic Kingdom, and Epcot. Then I had to work for a few days, before heading back to enjoy their last 2 days in Florida with them! Here are some of my pictures from their visit...I can't wait to see them all again soon.

Locks of Love

This morning my hair was 10 inches longer. :) I decided to donate my hair to Locks of Love again. (Even though my mom doesn't like it when I chop my hair.) I like being able to give something to someone who needs it. My hair grows pretty fast, so I may as well be growing it for a reason!

My mom's visit!

Yay! My mom came down for a week long visit, and we had lots of fun!

Her flight arrived on Saturday afternoon, so we went to Cheesecake Factory for dinner - mom's fave. If you've never had Cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory, you MUST. Then we went to the Shops at Wiregrass to window shop. This is a really REALLY cool outdoor walking mall...with major stores and a double decker Barnes & Noble.

On Sunday morning we headed to Walt Disney World for 3 nights and 4 days of fun! We stayed at Wilderness Lodge, and enjoyed great food at Coral Reef, Yachtsman Steakhouse, The Wave...just to name a few. I tried to sell mom on Contemporary Resort, with no luck. :) Everything we saw, we related it to how much fun Ethan & Olivia are going to have on their first visit!!

Wednesday night we headed back to Tampa. On Thursday and Friday, we putzed around...went shopping, out to eat, and to Clearwater Beach. It was a little chilly, but the sunshine warmed it up.

Saturday morning we had to be to the airport EARLY, so we headed out at 6 AM...the temp was only 30 degrees!! Eeeeks! Mom had a safe flight home, though ALMOST had to land in South Bend instead of Lansing due to snowfall!!

We had a great time...here are some pics of our vacation...

In with the new...

Happy New Year! It's hard to believe that it's 2009...and that I've been down in Florida for almost a year and a half. So much has changed over the last 16 months, yet one thing has been constant - my friends and family.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you. Thank you for taking the time to keep in touch. I know it's difficult when I'm 1301 miles away now, however you have really risen to the challenge. Thank you. There have been many tough days, and some good ones as well, and it's always easier knowing there are people out there who care about and love me.

I look forward to all that this new year will bring. A new beginning. A fresh outlook. The end of sadness. Becoming my old strong self again...in a new way. Standing on my own two feet. Being firmly planted. Renewed faith, hope, trust. Moving forward. I'm trying to make the most of this time, and really do what I need to do. It's a long road most days, full of twists and turns and bumps and dead ends and u-turns... Knowing that I have support is really important to me, so even if you don't know what you're supporting me through - it just matters that you're there. So again, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I love and miss you all.
xoxo